Excerpts from

“RUBY OF ELSINORE”
One Act Play
by Bruce Kane

"Ruby Of Elsinore" is a one act play in which the leading characters in Hamlet let their hair down to Ruby, the hairdresser with attitude.

Copyright: Bruce Kane Productions 2005
All Rights Reserved
22448 Bessemer St.
Woodland Hills, CA 91367
PH: 818-999-5639
E-mail: bkane1@socal.rr.com

"Ruby of Elsinore" is protected by copyright law and may not be performed
without written permission from Bruce Kane Productions. To obtain permission go to
www.kaneprod.com/ contact.htm and complete the Contact Us Form.

IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS All producers of "Ruby of Elsinore" must give credit to Bruce Kane as sole Author of the Play in all programs distributed in connection with performance of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears for any purposes of advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or production thereof, including posters, souvenir books, flyers, books and playbills. Bruce Kane must also appear immediately following the title of the Play and must appear in size of type not less then fifty percent of the size of type used for the title. The Author’s name must be equal to or larger than the Director's, but never smaller than that of the Director. The above billing must appear as follows: "Ruby of Elsinore" by Bruce Kane.
WARNING No one shall make any changes to this play for the purpose of production. Publication of these plays does not imply its availability for production.

Below are a series of excerpts from:

“RUBY OF ELSINORE”

SETTING: Ruby’s House of Beauty - Elsinore, Denmark

CHARACTERS:
RUBY – Hairdresser. Late thirties. Lots of attitude.
OPHELIA – Hamlet’s sometime girlfriend. Young and naïve
GERTRUDE – Hamlet’s mother. Haughty, self involved
CLAUDIUS – Hamlet’s lusty, but suspicious stepfather
HAMLET – Prince of Denmark. Sullen, indecisive
GHOST - Angry and bloodthirsty.

(AT RISE: Ophelia fusses with her hair, while Ruby tries to style it. )

RUBY: Stop playin’ with your hair girl. That’s my job.

OPHELIA: Oh Ruby, you have to make me especially beautiful.

RUBY: Honey, this is a comb, not a magic wand.

OPHELIA: I mean it. I have to look really good tonight.

RUBY: What’s the big occasion?

OPHELIA: I’m going to be a princess.

RUBY: Trust me honey, you’ve been a princess for a long time.

OPHELIA: No, I mean a real princess… With the tiara and everything.

RUBY: Who died?

OPHELIA: Nobody died.

RUBY: I thought with you people, every time someones dies, you all move up one.

OPHELIA: I’m going to marry a prince.

RUBY: A prince? You’re going to marry a prince.

OPHELIA: That’s right. I’m going to be Princess Ophelia.

RUBY: He told you he was a prince.

OPHELIA: He is a prince.

RUBY: I’d be careful if I were you, child. A lot of frogs walkin’ around these days claimin’ to be princes.

OPHELIA: This one’s no frog.

RUBY: I’d run a background check. At least google him. Every guy nowadays with a pair of tights and a sword says he’s a prince.

OPHELIA: Ruby, I’m going to marry Prince Hamlet.

RUBY: Hold on here… You are going to marry the Prince of Darkness?

OPHELIA: You shouldn’t say those things about him.

RUBY: Honey, that man could depress a laughing hyena.

OPHELIA: He’s got a lot on his mind.

RUBY: He’s a friggin’ prince. He doesn’t do jack. What the hell he could he have on his mind?

OPHELIA: It’s his father.

RUBY: Unless they went to a lot of expense to bury the wrong guy, your boyfriend’s father is dead.

OPHELIA: That’s the problem.

RUBY: What are you tellin’ me, the old guy’s not dead.

OPHELIA: Oh no… He’s dead, alright.

RUBY: That’s what’s the friggin’ problem?

OPHELIA: Hamlet thinks… (she fidgets)

RUBY: What? He thinks what?

OPHELIA: I really shouldn’t say anything.

RUBY: Fine with me child. Whatever it is, I wouldn’t pay much attention. If you ask me, all these royals are a couple of raisons short of a Danish. It’s what happens when cousins marry cousins.

OPHELIA: Hamlet doesn’t think his father died of natural causes.

RUBY: Hell, girl, this is Elsinore. Nobody dies of natural causes.

OPHELIA: You have to promise not to tell a soul.

RUBY: My lips are sealed.

OPHELIA: Well, Hamlet thinks that his step father…

RUBY: You mean, the new king.

OPHELIA: Right… Claudius… Hamlet thinks the new king had something to do with his father’s… Well, you know. (fidgets some more)

RUBY: He thinks King Claudius croaked his old man.

OPHELIA: Something like that.

RUBY: That’d be my guess.

OPHELIA: You think the king could do something so gross?

RUBY: Like I said honey, this is Denmark. There’s always something rotten goin’ on somewhere. And you can quote me on that. So tell me, did the prince of indecision figure this out all by his lonesome?

OPHELIA: Not exactly.

RUBY: Just how, exactly.

OPHELIA: You have to promise not to whisper a word of this to anyone.

RUBY: You know what I always say, child. What happens at Ruby’s, stays at Ruby’s.

OPHELIA: His father told him.

RUBY: His father is dead.

OPHELIA: That’s why you can’t tell anyone.

RUBY: Why would I want to?

OPHELIA: I know it’s hard to believe.

RUBY: Oh no… Hard to believe? Hamlet’s dead father told him that Claudius bumped him off?

OPHELIA: That’s it in a nutshell.

RUBY: I’d say “nutsell” was an excellent choice of word. And you’re going to marry this guy?

(Scene continues)

RUBY AND GERTRUDE

GERTRUDE: Rosie, how are you?

RUBY: Ruby.

GERTRUDE: What?

RUBY: Ruby… My name is Ruby, highness. Not Rosie.

GERTRUDE: Are you contradicting your queen?

RUBY: No, ma’am. I was merely pointing out…

GERTRUDE: One does not “point out” to their queen.

RUBY: Yes, your haughtiness. (Gertrude sits in the chair. Ruby drapes the smock over her.) Well, what’ll it be today?

GERTRUDE: Just a touch up.

RUBY: Want me to do something with those roots?

GERTRUDE: I am the Queen. I do not have roots. I have transitions.

RUBY: Whatever you say. (she begins working on Gertrude) So, how are you majesty? I haven’t seen you in here since just before your wedding.. I suppose congrats are in order.

GERTRUDE: Thank you, Rita.

RUBY: As well as condolences.

GERTRUDE: Condolences? What are you talking about?

RUBY: Condolences on the death of your husband.

GERTRUDE: Claudius is not dead. He is alive… Very much alive. In fact, we only just had….

RUBY: I meant your first husband, highness. The late king. The one before this one.

GERTRUDE: Oh… Him… Yes… The late king… Yes, of course… He is dead… And buried.

RUBY: Although still active from what I hear.

GERTRUDE: What are you talking about, Ruthie?

RUBY: Nothing, your grace. So everything is satisfactory with you and the new king?

GERTRUDE: Everything is very satisfactory, Rhonda.

RUBY: Happy to hear it.

GERTRUDE: Things couldn’t be more satisfactory.

RUBY: That’s good.

GERTRUDE: As a matter of fact, I can’t remember when I have been so satisfied and on such a regular basis.

GERTRUDE: Well, you go highness.

GERTRUDE: Are you married, Rhoda?

RUBY: Ruby.

GERTRUDE: Who’s Ruby?

RUBY: Not important, majesty. And to answer your question… I was married once.

GERTRUDE: Was he a loving man?

RUBY: That’s what every woman I caught him with said.

GERTRUDE: My first husband was not a loving man.

RUBY: I’m sorry to hear that ma’am.

GERTRUDE: In fact my late husband was a cold man. A very cold man.

RUBY: Couldn’t be much colder than he is right now.

GERTRUDE: Perhaps there are women who prefer a man who pays them no attention… Leaves them completely alone… A man who never… how should put it…? A man who never…

RUBY: Shows them the respect and tenderness they deserve.

GERTRUDE: (Maintaining her haughty attitude) Tenderness, shmenderness… I’m talking about a man who never slips them the high, hard one. Sweeps out the chimney… Threads the ole needle. Lays a little pipe now and then.

RUBY: Of course, majesty. What could I be thinking?

(The scene continues)

RUBY AND CLAUDIUS

RUBY: At least. Is it true what they say, highness?

CLAUDIUS: What’s that, Ruby?

RUBY: That it’s good to be the king.

CLAUDIUS: It doesn’t suck. I can tell you that. The power… The wealth… The respect. But, mostly the power. God, I love the power… People stand when you walk into a room. They don’t sit until you sit. They do what you tell them to do. They laugh at all your jokes. Ruby, right now, back in the castle, there are actually people lining up just to kiss my ass.

RUBY: So that’s what all the bowin’ is about.

CLAUDIUS: And the women. Ruby, I can’t turn around without some beautiful woman offering me… Well, what beautiful women have to offer. You get the picture.

RUBY: In a frame.

CLAUDIUS: But, of course, I am faithful to the Queen.

RUBY: Of course.

CLAUDIUS: Completely faithful.

RUBY: Completely.

CLAUDIUS: Totally and completely faithful.

RUBY: Totally and completely faithful.

CLAUDIUS: One hundred per cent. Without a…

RUBY: What’s her name?

CLAUDIUS: Annabella. She’s a lady in waiting.

RUBY: Obviously, she ain’t waitin’ no more.

CLAUDIUS: Ruby, Ruby, Ruby

RUBY: King, King, King.

CLAUDIUS: I may be the king, Ruby…

RUBY: Here it comes.

CLAUDIUS: But, I am still a man.

RUBY: If you weren’t a man, you wouldn’t be the king.

CLAUDIUS: Exactly.

RUBY: You’d be the queen.

CLAUDIUS: You won’t say anything about the… uh… (Ruby mimes zipping her lips shut) I knew I could count on you Ruby.

RUBY: Your usual trim, majesty?

CLAUDIUS: Please… (He sits in the chair. She drapes a smock over him and begins to trim) My stepson is putting on some cockamamie play tonight and his mother insists that I go.

RUBY: Then I’ll see you there.

CLAUDIUS: You’re going?

RUBY: Let’s say the Queen extended me an invitation I couldn’t refuse.

CLAUDIUS: Then there’s no getting out of it for either of us. Do you have any children Ruby?

RUBY: None that I know of.

CLAUDIUS: What?

RUBY: It’s a joke.

CLAUDIUS: Of course. A joke. No one tells me jokes anymore.

RUBY: That’s too bad.

CLAUDIUS: They’re afraid to be funnier than the king.

RUBY: Heavy lies the head that wears the crown.

CLAUDIUS: Very perceptive Ruby. Who said that?

RUBY: I just did.

CLAUDIUS: Oh…. My stepson hates me, Ruby.

RUBY: He’s just a little confused.

CLAUDIUS: Confused? He’s a fruitcake. But he still hates me for marrying his mother.

(The scene continues)

RUBY AND HAMLET

RUBY: (starts to work on Hamlet) So, tell me about this play of yours.

HAMLET: Actually it’s a ploy.

RUBY: A ploy?

HAMLET: To catch the conscience of the king.

RUBY: The ploy?

HAMLET: No, the play.

RUBY: But, you just said it was a ploy.

HAMLET: It is.

RUBY: What is?

HAMLET: The play.

RUBY: The play?

HAMLET: Exactly.

RUBY: Exactly what?

HAMLET: The play is a ploy.

RUBY: I thought the ploy was a play.

HAMLET: It is.

RUBY: So I was right the first time. The ploy is a play.

HAMLET: Yes…

RUBY: Good.

HAMLET: And the play is a ploy. But you musn’t repeat that to anyone.

RUBY: (frustrated) Repeat what? That the play is a ploy or the ploy is a play?

HAMLET: I asked you not to repeat that.

RUBY: Does you girlfriend know about any of this?

HAMLET: What girlfriend? I don’t have a girlfriend.

RUBY: Ophelia.

HAMLET: Ophelia? Is she still telling everyone she’s my girlfriend?

RUBY: She thinks you’re gonna pop the question?

HAMLET: What question?

RUBY: Well, it ain’t “To be or not to be?” I can tell you that.

HAMLET: She thinks I’m going to ask her to marry me?

RUBY: That’s what she thinks.

HAMLET: Where did she get the idea I wanted to marry her?

RUBY: Apparently from you.

HAMLET: I’ve got enough on my plate. My father’s dead. My uncle is the king. And my mother is …

RUBY: Let’s not go there, okay?

HAMLET: The point is I don’t need some girl mooning after me all the time. She should get her to a nunnery.

RUBY: What that girl is lookin’ for she ain’t gonna find in no nunnery.

HAMLET: She’s not going to find it with me either.

RUBY: A bit of advice, if you don’t mind me sayin’ so. . Let the child down easy. She’s young, impressionable and highly strung.

HAMLET: Tell me about it. I’ve played lutes that weren’t strung as tight.

RUBY: Just be careful.

HAMLET: It’s not easy being me, Ruby.

RUBY: Right. Prince of the Realm. A killer job. Who’d ever want it?

HAMLET: Speaking of killer jobs, I may have to kill my uncle.

RUBY: “May” have to kill your uncle?

HAMLET: You must promise not to breathe a word of this to another soul.

RUBY: My lips are sealed.

HAMLET: You promise?

RUBY: If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’ .

HAMLET: It’s not a sure thing yet.

RUBY: Killing your uncle?

HAMLET: I have to be sure he actually murdered my father.

RUBY: You really think you’re uncle murdered your father?

HAMLET: I’m not one hundred per cent positive…

RUBY: Of course, not.

HAMLET: But I have it from a very reliable source.

RUBY: A reliable source. And just who might that reliable source be?

HAMLET: My father.

RUBY: Your father. Yes… Old King Cuckold. Unless I read the wrong paper, your daddy is dead.

HAMLET: To be precise, it was my father’s ghost who told me.

RUBY: Your father’s ghost talked to you.

HAMLET: That’s right.

RUBY: Are you sure it wasn’t just some of your college buddies punkin’ you?

HAMLET: That is in the realm of possibility.

RUBY: So there’s a chance you won’t kill your uncle.

HAMLET: Right now it’s about fifty fifty.

RUBY: Fifty fifty.

HAMLET: I wouldn’t want to rush into it.

RUBY: Of course not. You’re Hamlet.

(The play continues)