An excerpt from

“WHAM! BAM!”
A Short One Act Comedy
By Bruce Kane

Copyright: Bruce Kane Productions 2006
All Rights Reserved
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"Wham! Bam!" is protected by copyright law and may not be performed
without written permission from Bruce Kane Productions. To obtain permission go to
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IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS All producers of "Wham! Bam! " must give credit to Bruce Kane as sole Author of the Play in all programs distributed in connection with performance of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears for any purposes of advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or production thereof, including posters, souvenir books, flyers, books and playbills. Bruce Kane must also appear immediately following the title of the Play and must appear in size of type not less then fifty percent of the size of type used for the title. The Author’s name must be equal to or larger than the Director's, but never smaller than that of the Director. The above billing must appear as follows: "Wham! Bam! " by Bruce Kane.

WARNING No one shall make any changes to this play for the purpose of production. Publication of these plays does not imply its availability for production.

“WHAM! BAM!”

TIME: The present
PLACE: A hotel room
CHARACTERS: SHE – early thirties, attractive
HE – mid-thirties, handsome, well dressed and boringly self important bordering on pompous.

( A few moments into the play about an insecure superhero having a liaison with this rivals wife)

HE: When I read about you marrying him, all I could think about was why him? Why not me? Why did you want him? Why didn’t you want me?

SHE: I didn’t know you.

HE: It didn’t matter. You wanted him and I wanted you to want me.

SHE: (passionately) I’m here now.. And I want you.

HE: Of course, you want me. Everybody wants me. The Commissioner wants me. The police want me. The citizens of this great city of ours want me. The only people who don’t want me are the criminals… The bad guys… The corrupt. The…

SHE: (cutting him off) Yeah… Yeah… I get the picture. I can’t help thinking what he would do if he found out.

HE: He won’t find out.

SHE: You forget he can see through walls.

HE: (annoyed) Well, if you’re going to keep bringing that up…

SHE: Please, don’t be jealous.

HE: (defensively) I’m not jealous… I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. Nobody is less jealous than I am. What makes you think I’m jealous?

SHE: Nothing. Forget it.

HE: Besides, what would I have to be jealous of?

SHE: Nothing… You have nothing to be jealous of.

HE: You bet I don’t.

SHE: Hold me.

HE: (he doesn’t hold her) You think I’m jealous because he can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

SHE: No. Kiss me.

HE: I may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but my car goes from zero to a hundred in under five seconds. And it gets thirty miles to the gallon. I bet you didn’t know that.

SHE: No, I didn’t… Make love to me.

HE: Okay, so I can’t fly.

SHE: Who can?

HE: Your husband can fly… That’s what your were implying, wasn’t it?

SHE: Let’s not talk about him.

HE: I cover just as much ground as he does.

SHE: Of course, you do.

HE: I just have to use my brains and my ingenuity.

SHE: I know you do.

HE: I’m smarter… And, I’m richer.

SHE: Please… We don’t have a lot of time. Come to bed.

HE: I mean, what does he make as a reporter? Fifty… sixty thou a year?

SHE: We get by.

HE: If you were married to me, you’d be living in a stately manor with fifty rooms, a butler and all the clothes and jewels you could ever want.

SHE: Are you asking me to leave him and marry you?

HE: No. It wouldn’t be fair.

SHE: I didn’t realize you thought that much of him.

HE: I don’t.

SHE: Oh,

HE: I think that much of me.. With my schedule, who’s got time for a wife? I barely have time for this.

SHE: At least you’re honest about it.

HE: I’m always honest… I’ve devoted my whole life to being honest. Nobody does honest better than I do honest,

SHE: My husband only pretends he has time for me.

HE: What was it that you found so attractive about him, anyway? That stupid little curl in the middle of his head?

SHE: If you must know, he was the most exciting man I’d ever met?

HE: Exciting? Mr. mild mannered reporter exciting? Give me a break.

SHE: You’re falling to your doom from a forty story building and some guy comes flying by and scoops you up out of the air, saves your life and flies off with you cradled in his massive arms.… It’s exciting. And it’s sexy… Damn sexy.

HE: I could’ve done that.

(The play continues)