“THE CASE OF THE TALE TOLD BY AN IDIOT”
A Justin Thyme Mystery
By Bruce Kane
Copyright: Bruce Kane Productions 2008
All Rights Reserved
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"The Case of The Tale Told By An Idiot, A Justin Thyme Mystery" is protected by copyright law and may not be performed without written permission from Bruce Kane Productions. To obtain permission go to www.kaneprod.com/contact.htm.

IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS All producers of "The Case of The Tale Told By An Idiot, A Justin Thyme Mystery” must give credit to Bruce Kane as sole Author of the Play in all programs distributed in connection with performance of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears for any purposes of advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or production thereof, including posters, souvenir books, flyers, books and playbills. Bruce Kane must also appear immediately following the title of the Play and must appear in size of type not less then fifty percent of the size of type used for the title. The Author’s name must be equal to or larger than the Director's, but never smaller than that of the Director. The above billing must appear as follows: "The Case of The Tale Told By An Idiot, A Justin Thyme Mystery” by Bruce Kane

WARNING No one shall make any changes to this play for the purpose of production. Publication of this plays does not imply its availability for production.

CHARACTER LIST:
JUSTIN THYME – Bogart like private eye
EFFIE – Thyme’s voluptuous secretary
MALCOM – Speaks in strong Scottish brogue
HECATE – Innkeeper at the Inn Of The Three Witches – Speaks in a cockney accent
LADY MACBETH – Wife of the king… Old flame of Thyme’s – Sexy and very ambitious
MACBETH – King of Scotland –Speaks like he’s watched too many Richard Burton movies
MACDUFF – MacBeth’s right hand man – Rough around the edges
THREE WITCHES – The headliners at the Inn Of The Three Witches
CASTLE GUARD
SCOTTISH GUARD (can be played by actor who plays Castle Guard)

SET:
The set can be as elaborate as castle walls and all the rooms suggested in the play or it can be as simple as chairs, tables, a door and some greenery to suggest the locations.

“THE CASE OF THE TALE TOLD BY AN IDIOT”
A Justin Thyme Mystery
By Bruce Kane

SOUND: BLUESY SAXOPHONE MUSIC
LIGHTS UP:
(Justin Thyme, dressed in a trenchcoat and fedora, enters and speaks directly to the audience)
THYME: It began like most of my cases – with a guy in a plaid mini-skirt. I’d just wrapped up “The Garden Of Eden Murder Case” – the brother did it – when Effie, my incredibly well put together secretary with the limited typing skills, undulated in to my office to tell me I had a visitor.
(Effie undulates in)
EFFIE: You got a visitor.
THYME: I told her to show him in. (to Effie) Show him in. (Effie undulates off then undulates back in with Malcom, a Scotsman in a kilt). We both watched her oscillate out of my office and back to her desk. (Effie oscillates out.)
MALCOM: Charming lassie.
THYME: Yeah… If you like blondes with long legs and short memories. (to audience) Fortunately, I did. It was only after he shook my hand, told me his name was Malcom and took a seat that I noticed the skirt. He modestly crossed his legs at the ankles, straightened his hem and told me he needed my help.
(Malcom sits. Thyme remains standing)
MALCOM: I need your help.
THYME: (to audience) I asked what I could do for him. What can I do for you?
MALCOM: I want you to get a murderer.
THYME: Murder, huh? Who got whacked?
MALCOM: Me father.
THYME: What makes you think you’re old man’s been croaked?
MALCOM: The seven stab wounds in his back.
THYME: (to audience) I immediately ruled out suicide. Malcom said that back home his father had been a big deal.
MALCOM: Back home my father was a big deal.
THYME: How big?
MALCOM: The biggest. He was the king.
THYME: That’s big. Who do you think zotzed your old man?
MALCOM: His name is MacBeth.
THYME: (to audience) It was a story I’d heard a thousand times before. A king gets whacked. The son takes the rap and the killer takes everything else. . Of course, another story I’d heard a thousand times was the son ices the old man, splits for parts unknown and hangs the frame on somebody else. Either way it was my job to get the bottom of it. Me? I’m Justin Thyme. I work for the F.B.I. The Fictional Bureau of Investigation. I handle the toughest, dirtiest case in English literature. That’s right… I’m a fictional detective. The King of Scotland had his ticket punched and it was up to me to find out THYME: (CON’T) who his travel agent was. Malcom and I agreed to split up. (to Malcom) I’ll take the high road.
MALCOM: I’ll take the low road.
THYME: (to audience) I figured I’d get to get to Scotland before him. (Thyme and Malcom shake hands. Malcom exits)
(SOUND: THUNDER, HOWLING WIND AND POURING RAIN)
(Thyme turns up his collar)
THYME: (to audience) Cold, wet and miserable, I stumbled into The Inn Of The Three Witches. (Thyme turns and walks into the Inn Of The Three Witches) Ramshackle, tumble down, off the beaten path in a secluded part of a remote forest, miles from nowhere, the joint wasn’t exactly a Starbucks. But then again, there wasn’t one on every corner, either. I was shaking off the rain as best as I could when a snaggled tooth crone with rotting flesh dropped into the chair next to me.
(Hecate enters and sits down next to Thyme)
HECATE: Well, ‘ello there cold, wet and miserable. What’ll it be?
THYME: Whaddya got?
HECATE: We got a nice fenny snake.
THYME: How do you cook that?
HECATE: In the cauldron boil and bake.
THYME: What else ya got?
HECATE: There’s eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat, tongue of dog, Adder's fork, blind-worm's sting, and, the ‘ouse special… lizard's leg. We serve that with a mixed green salad, of course.
THYME: Of course.
HECATE: And for the more developed palate there’s Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips.
THYME: (to audience) For some reason, my appetite had taken a powder. (to Hecate) I’ll just settle for directions.
HECATE: Suit yourself. But you’re passin’ up a real mouth waterin’ treat, y’are.
THYME: I’m looking for Dunsinane Castle.
HECATE: Goin’ to see the MacBeths, are ya?”
THYME: Just the directions, toots.
HECATE: He was here himself, he was. Sat right where you’re sittin’. Old high and almighty. Course, we knew he was comin’ so we put on our best rags, we did. Gave ‘im a real show. ‘Ad the fire burnin’ and the cauldron bubblin’. We was a sight alright. Prophsyin’… Tellin’ ‘im ‘ow ‘he was gonna be the big cheese and all. ‘E loved it, ‘e did. You shoulda seen him. Rode outta here all puffed up like a Christmas goose, ‘e was.”
THYME: About those directions
HECATE: Sure you don’t want to hang around till closin’ time? I get off at midnight, if you know what I mean.
THYME: (to audience) I knew exactly what she meant. (Thyme walks downstage. The lights go down of the Inn Of The Three Witches) That’s why I was out the door faster than you can say “acid reflux.”
(SOUND: THUNDER, HOWLING WIND AND POURING RAIN)
(Thyme turns his collar up)
THYME: Cold, wet and miserable I stumbled out of the darkness and onto Dunsinane Castle.
CASTLE GUARD: (O.S.) Who goes there??
THYME: Justin Thyme, Fictional Detective.
(The Castle Guard enters)
THYME: I’m here to see the king. Official business.
GUARD: Follow me.
THYME: (to audience) The guard led me to a small ante-room, just off a waiting room next to the dining room, behind a reception room that opened on to a sitting room, that overlooked a garden room that led into the throne room.
(Thyme and the Guard exit. We hear the sounds of footsteps, doors opening… doors closing… more footsteps… more doors, etc., etc, etc. until Thyme enters from the opposite side of the stage, slightly winded)
THYME: She was there… Waiting for me.
(Lady MacBeth enters looking very slinky and very sexy)
LADY MACBETH: I’ve been waiting for you.
THYME: (surprised) Nola? Nola MacDougal?
LADY MACBETH: Funny, no one’s called me that in a long time.
THYME: (to audience) Back when I knew her, everyone called her Nola. … She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers in her hair and a… dress cut down to there. She would merengue and do the cha-cha. That was at the Copa. The Copa de Ora. Back then it was the hottest spot north of Sonora. In those days Nola was beautiful, smart, ambitious, dangerous, scheming, conniving, irresistible, calculating, cunning, deceitful and selfish. In short she was everything I ever wanted in a woman. The years had been kind to Nola, although I had to admit… she’d changed. (to Lady MacBeth) You haven’t changed a bit, Nola.
LADY MACBETH: You always were full of crap, Thyme. But keep it up.