"CAESAR & CLEO"
By Bruce Kane

“Caesar And Cleo” is a fast, funny, bawdy, pun filled, double entendre loaded look at the middle aged but always horny Julius Caesar; his very hot and ambitious twenty something mistress Cleopatra; the handsome but dim Marc Anthony; the jealous and always plotting Brutus and Cassius; as well as Caesar's tough as nails wife Calpurnia. The story, the plots and the plans are all told from the point of view of the wise and sarcastic Colitus, Caesar's chief slave - with running commentary from a Roman Chorus with a hip hop flavor.

(This in an excerpt from "Caesar & Cleo". It is protected by copyright law and may not be performed without written permission.

The complete version is available for companies and individuals who are considering it for production. For more information use our Obtaining Scripts page.)

WARNING No one shall make any changes to this play for the purpose of production. Publication of these plays does not imply its availability for production.

An abridged radio version of "Caesar & Cleo" as produced and performed by the very talented One Act Players is available for download.

(These are excerpts from "Ceasar and Cleo". . Click here to download the complete script)

"CAESAR & CLEO"
By Bruce Kane

Cast of Characters:

COLITUS: Mid thirties… Slave and confidante of Julius Caesar.
JULIUS CAESAR: Early fifties… Dictator of Rome
CLEOPATRA: Early twenties… Ambitious, beautiful and incredibly well built.
CALPURNIA: Caesar’s wife… Mid forties… Formidable.
MARC ANTHONY: Roman general… As dim as he is handsome.
BRUTUS: The noblest Roman of them all… or so he says.
CASSIUS: Tall, thin and conspiratorial.
SOOTHSAYER: Crazy old man
CARD GIRL: Looks great in a short toga.
ROMAN CHORUS: Numbering four to six members, more or less. Double in a variety of roles.

Place: The Roman Empire

Setting: Columns, silk curtains and a few artifacts of the era give us a sense of place and time. This set will provide the back drop for all of our locations.

(If possible, have your ushers dressed as Roman Centurions. Once the play begins they should be strategically placed around the theatre and armed with spears… as a precaution)

(The Roman Chorus enters. They are Roman with a hip hop flavor)

ROMAN CHORUS:
This is the tale of Cleo and Caesar
The Egyptian queen and the Roman geezer.
He ruled the world and everything in it
Till she knocked him over in New York minute.
We’ll tell our story with style and wit
And when things get slow we’ll rap a bit
We’ll bring on the characters real and phoney
From Brutus to Cassius to Marc An-toney.
We re-wrote the story and knocked off the rust
To bring you a tale full of greed and lust
For those of you who find it complex
We also threw in a whole lot of sex.
Our story begins in Alexandria
That’s in Egypt folks, not Virgin---eee – ah
Sit back, relax and let our actors thrill ya’
Attempt to leave and we’ll have to kill ya’

(CARD GIRL ENTERS. She wears a mini toga and carries a placard that reads
“EGYPT – 47 B.C.” She crosses the stage as JULIUS CAESAR, his slave COLITUS and several Roman officials enter. They check out the Card Girl who exits past them)

CAESAR: I hear that as gratitude for the countries I’ve sacked, the kings I’ve crushed, the people I’ve enslaved and the general death and misery I’ve spread… there’s talk of making me a god.

COLITUS: That’s true, Caesar. Some talk of making you a god. Some talk of making you immortal. And some talk of making you immortal as soon as possible.

CAESAR: I always wanted to be a god… Even as a young boy I liked to play doctor.

(Two Men enter carrying a rolled up carpet)

CAESAR: What is this?

(Colitus accepts a note from one of the delivery men)

COLITUS: It seems to be a gift to the mighty Caesar from her majesty the serene
Cleopatra.

(From inside the carpet we hear)

CLEOPATRA: Serene and beautiful you moron… Serene and beautiful

COLITUS: From the serene and beautiful Cleopatra.

CAESAR: Let’s see what it is… Unroll the carpet.

(The Delivery Men snap open the carpet sending Cleopatra rolling across the stage. Her roll comes to an abrupt halt when she hits a column. Pulling her self together, Cleopatra stumbles to her feet, straightens her clothes and her crown and undulates seductively toward Caesar. On the way she plucks an orange from a bowl and sensuously peels it. Approaching Caesar who is awe struck by her beauty, she extends her arm and offers him the fruit by muttering the immortal words…)

CLEOPATRA: Orange Julius?

BLACKOUT:

(If the audience groans, which they probably will, the Centurions should threaten them with their spears and continue to do so each time they groan. The Centurions could be very busy.)

(The lights come up on the Card Girl carrying a placard that reads “CLEOPATRA’S BEDCHAMBER”. The Roman Chorus pushes in a bed in which Caesar and Cleopatra are lying side by side. The Card Girl exits.)

CLEOPATRA: Now I know why they call you the “mighty” Caesar.

CAESAR: And now I know why they refer to you as the face that launched a thousand ships.

CLEOPATRA: You’re confusing me with Helen of Troy.

CAESAR: No. I knew a girl named Helen in Troy. Believe me, her face couldn’t launch a rowboat.

CLEOPATRA: Will you be staying long in Egypt, Caesar?

CAESAR: Unfortunately, I must be getting back to Rome.

CLEOPATRA: Why the hurry?

CAESAR: Work, work, work. Ruling the world is a full time job. But I could make time for one more quick one. (nuzzles her neck)

CLEOPATRA: You know what I would do if I ruled the world?

CAESAR: (as he continues to fondle her) Let’s not talk shop.

CLEOPATRA: If I ruled the world, I’d see to it that every day was the first day of spring. (The Roman Chorus hums.)

CAESAR: I leave that to the weather gods. (He nuzzles. She ignores)

CLEOPATRA: I’d see to it that every heart would have a new song to sing.

CAESAR: You sing, I’ll fondle.

CLEOPATRA: All of us… Everyone… We'd all sing of the joy every morning would bring.

CAESAR: How about a little joy right now?

CLEOPATRA: If I ruled the world you can bet that we would treasure each day that occurred.

CAESAR: I have a little something I’d like to treasure right now.

CLEOPATRA: My world would be such an incredibly beautiful place.

CAESAR: (gives up) I can see where this is going.

CLEOPATRA: If I ruled the world …

CAESAR: Nowhere. (starts to get out of bed)

CLEOPATRA: Are you leaving?

CAESAR: Looks that way, doesn’t it?

CLEOPATRA: Off to your next conquest.

CAESAR: I’m afraid so.

CLEOPATRA: You’re just like every other man.

CAESAR: Except in my case that conquest happens to be Spain.

CLEOPATRA: Will I ever see you again, Julie?

CAESAR: Perhaps.

CLEOPATRA: What will I do without you?

CAESAR: Suffer… But you’ll get over me. In time… Twenty or thirty years if you’re lucky… You’ll find someone new. Eventually, word will reach me that a new man shares your bed. I’ll listen intently to the news and then I’ll have him taken out to sea, weighted down with stones and tossed overboard.

CLEOPATRA: Oh, Julie… You do care about me.

(She throws herself into Caesar’s arms. The Roman Chorus pushes the bed off stage. The Card Girl enters. Her placard reads “Roman Forum – Months Later”. The Chorus returns, becoming Roman citizens looking off stage at the approaching Caesar. Brutus, Cassius and another Senator enter)

BRUTUS: Look, Cassius… Caesar has returned to Rome. The mob greets him as though he were a god.

CASSIUS: Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world
Like a Colossus, and we petty men
Walk under his huge legs and peep about
To find ourselves dishonourable graves.

SENATOR: Cassius, why can’t you talk like everybody else?

CASSIUS: What I am saying is that since Caesar has become dictator, he has destroyed our beloved republic. I simply want things to return to the way they
once were.

BRUTUS: Yes… When we ran things.

CASSIUS: Exactly… And there is a way.

BRUTUS: What are you suggesting, Cassius?

CASSIUS: That you kill Caesar.

BRUTUS: Me? Why don’t you kill him?

CASSIUS: I would but the mob thinks of me as just another lazy aristocrat afraid that he’ll have to get off his ass and actually go to work. Fearful that he’ll
be exposed for the fraud that he is. Jealous of Caesar’s power.

BRUTUS: Chalk one up for the mob.

CASSIUS: But, you… You’re Brutus… You’re the noblest Roman of them all. You kill Caesar and it’s a blow for truth, justice and the Roman way.

BRUTUS: The mob loves Caesar. I kill him and they’ll tear me limb from limb.

CASSIUS: A small price to pay for liberty, wouldn’t you say?

BRUTUS: Quiet… Caesar approaches.

(The milling crowd forms itself back into the Roman Chorus.)

ROMAN CHORUS: Here comes Caesar. The mighty dictator. He conquers countries then it’s see you later. He walks the world like a giant colossus. He’s got a lion’s heart and a Roman proboscis.

(CAESAR enters to the applause and huzzahs of the unseen crowd. He is accompanied by his slave Colitus.)

UNSEEN CROWD: Huzzah… Huzzah.
(The Centurions nudge audience members with their spears to join in the “huzzahs.”Caesar acknowledges the welcome.)

COLITUS: Master, might I have a word with you?

UNSEEN CROWD AND AUDIENCE: Huzzah… Huzzah.

CAESAR: (Still acknowledging the huzzahs.) Not while I’m being adored.

COLITUS: It’s important excellency.

CAESAR: Make it quick, Colitus. I’m a busy man. I’ve got cities to sack, countries to crush and people to enslave.

COLITUS: Excellency, you once said that as soon as you had conquered the
known world, you would grant me my freedom.

CAESAR: I said that?
COLITUS: I wrote it down. (Refers to his notes) As soon I conquer the world I
will give Colitus his freedom.

CAESAR: What is this obsession you have with freedom, Colitus?

COLITUS: I’ve never been free, Caesar. It sounds like fun.

CAESAR: Freedom? Freedom? I am Caesar. I rule the most powerful empire
the world has ever known. Am I free?

COLITUS: Under most definitions of the word, I’d have to say the answer is a
resounding yes.

CAESAR: Take it from me, Colitus. Freedom is just another word for nothing
left to lose.

(Brutus and Cassius cross to Caesar. The Roman Chorus now doubles as
Roman Senators.)

BRUTUS: Noble Caesar.

CAESAR: Noble Brutus.

CASSIUS: Noble Caesar.

CAESAR: Noble Cassius.

CHORUS MEMBER #1: Noble Caesar

CAESAR: Noble Casca.

CHORUS MEMBER #2: Noble Caesar.

CAESAR: Noble Cinna

CHORUS MEMBER #3: (stentorian voice) On behalf of the Roman Senate,
may I welcome the great and worthy Caesar back to the bosom of Rome.. May
Caesar’s rule be long and fruitful… May the mighty Caesar…

CAESAR: (to Colitus) Who the hell is that?

COLITUS: Pompous.

CAESAR: You’re telling me. But, what’s his name?

COLITUS: Pompous.

CAESAR: Make a note… Name tags for all Roman Senators.

COLITUS: It’s noted, Caesar.

BRUTUS: Welcome back to Rome, Noble Caesar.

CAESAR: It is good to see you again, noble Brutus

BRUTUS: And you noble Caesar.

CAESAR: You, too, noble Cassius

CASSIUS: And you, noble Caesar.

COLITUS: Sire.

CAESAR: Yes, Colitus. What is it?

COLITUS: It’s the audience, excellency.

CAESAR: The audience? What about the audience?

COLITUS: This endless repetition of names, sire…

CAESAR: What about it?

COLITUS: It’s making them restless.

CAESAR: Restless? The audience is getting restless in the presence of the great
Caesar?

COLITUS: Just a tad, Caesar.

CAESAR: Have them flogged. And then have them whipped.

COLITUS: (to audience) Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

CASSIUS: And how did the conquering go, noble Caesar?

CAESAR: You know how it is. A country here, a kingdom there and pretty
soon you rule the world.

BRUTUS: And how was Egypt, Caesar?

CAESAR: Someday you must make the trip, noble Brutus. If, only to see the
Pyramids. Magnificent those pyramids.

CASSIUS: Yes, we heard you met Cleopatra.

CAESAR: Word travels fast.

BRUTUS: The people sing your praises Caesar.

ROMAN CHORUS: Yo, Caesar fought the noble fight. He knocked off Egypt
in a night. When Cleopatra called his name. He saw, he conquered and then he
came. (They strike a hip hop pose)

CAESAR: What can I say? I am the mighty Caesar.

BRUTUS: Especially between the sheets, eh?

CAESAR: Where else does it matter? (Caesar and Brutus gently punch each
other in the shoulder like a couple of frat boys.)

CAESAR & BRUTUS: Hey, hey, hey.

CAESAR: Still, it’s good to be home. Perhaps the two of you will do me the
honor of having lunch with me.

CASSIUS: I would be honored noble Caesar, but I’ve already eaten.

CAESAR: (turns to Brutus) Et too, Brute?

(If this draws a groan, have the Centurions threaten the audience with spears)
BRUTUS: I’m afraid so, Caesar.

CAESAR: Perhaps another time.

CHORUS MEMBER: Until then, noble Caesar.

CAESAR: Until then, noble Casca.

CHORUS MEMBER: Until then, noble Caesar.

CAESAR: Until then, noble Vitronius.

CHORUS MEMBER: Until then noble Caesar

CAESAR: Until then noble Cinna.

CHORUS MEMBER: Until then noble Caesar.

CAESAR: Until…

COLITUS: The audience, sire.

CAESAR: The audience??? The audience???

COLITUS: Yes, Caesar… The audience. These long goodbyes… Slows the
action… Loses their attention. Limited as it is.

CAESAR: I will not bow to this tyranny of the audience. Tyranny in all forms
is a barrier to progress and expression… Especially my progress and
expression. Make a note Colitus.

COLITUS: Yes, Caesar.

CAESCCAESAR: From now audiences will love everything I say and do… Under pain of death.

COLITUS: Yes, Caesar.

CAESAR: We’ll nip this tyranny thing in the bud.

BRUTUS: Until we meet again, noble Caesar.

CAESAR: Until we meet again.

(Brutus and Cassius and the Roman Chorus exit)

CAESAR: What can I say, Colitus? They love me… The Roman Senate loves
me.

COLITUS: If you say so, Caesar.

CAESAR: Do I detect a note of skepticism, Colitus?

COLITUS: If Caesar believes the Senate loves him, then the Senate must love
Him

CAESAR: That look Colitus. I know that look.

COLITUS: Look, sire?

CAESAR: Yes, that look… There’s yes, yes in your voice, but there’s no no’s
on your face. (They exchange confused looks)

COLITUS: I have no idea what Caesar is talking about.

CAESAR: Tell me the truth, Colitus. I order you.

COLITUS: The Senate hates you Caesar.

CAESAR: The Senate hates Caesar? Why would you say such a thing?

COLITUS: Because Caesar ordered me to.

CAESAR: Oh… But, what would make you come to such an absurd
conclusion. (scoffing) The Senate hates Caesar…

COLITUS: Well sire, you did destroy the Republic.

CAESAR: Only to save it.

COLITUS: You took away the right of citizens to vote.

CAESAR: Which only gave them more time to fornicate. Remember, Colitus, a
fornicating citizen is a happy citizen.

COLITUS: But now yours is the only voice that counts in all of Rome.

CAESAR: That’s because I’m the only one that’s a god.

COLITUS: Officially, only a candidate for god.

CAESAR: But I’m a shoo-in to win. Any Senator who votes against me will
lose his fortune, his home and all he holds dear.

COLITUS: And why is that, Caesar?

CAESAR: Because I will take it all away from him. That's what gods do. They
giveth and then they taketh away. Understand?

(The play continues)