“THE CASE OF THE REALLY BIG DOG OF THE BASKERVILLES”
A JUSTIN THYME MYSTERY
By Bruce Kane

Copyright:Bruce Kane 2008
All Rights Reserved
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“THE CASE OF THE REALLY BIG DOG OF THE BASKERVILLES” A JUSTIN THYME MYSTERY is protected by copyright law and may not be performed without written permission from Bruce Kane Productions.

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IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS All producers of “THE CASE OF THE REALLY BIG DOG OF THE BASKERVILLES” A JUSTIN THYME MYSTERY must give credit to Bruce Kane as sole Author of the Play in all programs distributed in connection with performance of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears for any purposes of advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or production thereof, including posters, souvenir books, flyers, books and playbills.
Bruce Kane must also appear immediately following the title of the Play and must appear in size of type not less then fifty percent of the size of type used for the title.

The Author’s name must be equal to or larger than the Director's, but never smaller than that of the Director. The above billing must appear as follows: “THE CASE OF THE REALLY BIG DOG OF THE BASKERVILLES” A JUSTIN THYME MYSTERY by Bruce Kane.

WARNING: No one shall make any changes to this play for the purpose of production. Publication of these plays does not imply its availability for production.

CHARACTERS:

JUSTIN THYME – Bogart like detective

EFFIE: Thyme’s well built secretary

WELLINGTON: Typical English butler

SIR CHARLES – Well dressed corpse and off stage voice.

PRUDENCE CADBURY – Prim, proper, beautiful.

CHIPS CADBURY – Prudence’s brother – An English twit

DOCTOR FISH – Local doctor and Thyme’s new sidekick

SHEPHERD CADBURY – Stuffy nephew of Sir Charles

FEMALE PATIENT – Very attractive

SETTING:

The Main Room of Baskerville Manor where most of the action takes place.
Doctor Fish’s Examining Room
Small Hotel Room
Downstage which doubles as a Village Street and an English moor.

(This excerpt begins a few minutes into the play)

INT: DOCTOR FISH'S OFFICE

(Thyme enters)

THYME: Doctor Fish?

(Dr. Fish enters)

FISH: Yes, I’m Earl Fish. If you’ll just take your shirt off and get up on the table…

THYME: I’m not a patient.

FISH: In that case, you don’t have to get on the table.

THYME: (to audience) I told him he was needed at Baskerville Manor. (to Fish) You’re needed as Baskerville Manor. (to audience) He told he’d get his bag.

FISH: I’ll get my bag.

(Fish gets his bag)

THYME: (to audience) He got his bag..

(Thyme and Fish cross to the Manor. Wellington greets them. Lord Baskerville’s body is lying on a table)

WELLINGTON: Doctor Fish… Mr. Thyme.

THYME: Well, there’s the stiff Doc. (he points at the body) What do you think?

FISH: I’ll let you know upon completion of my examination.

(Fish begins his examination)

THYME: (to audience) While Fish handled the post mortem I checked out the rogue’s gallery of paintings hanging on the walls. Tell me Wellington, who are all these mugs?

WELLINGTON: Former lords of the manor, sir. That’s Sir Hugo Baskerville. Also known as Hugo The Hated, Hugo The Despised and Hugo The Just Plain Disgusting. He was the first of the Baskervilles to be found with his throat ripped out.

THYME: Not too popular with the locals?

WELLINGTON: Sir Hugo had taken a young woman who didn’t belong to him. Her father wanted her back. Sir Hugo didn’t want to give her back. A few nights later they found Sir Hugo dead on the moor. Witnesses said they saw a large creature in the vicinity with eyes that glowed like the devil.

THYME: And everybody bought that?

WELLINGTON: Willingly, sir.

THYME: And who are the rest of these personality challenged characters?

WELLINGTON: This is Sir Aubrey Baskerville, Sir Charles great grandfather. He was found dead on the moor with his throat ripped out. And that’s Sir Reginald Baskerville, Sir Charles grandfather. He was found dead on the moor with his throat ripped out. And this is Sir Bentley Baskerville, Sir Charles brother.

THYME: Don’t tell me. He was found dead on the moor with his throat ripped out.

MORTIMER: Oh no sir. His throat was quite in tact when he died. It was the loss of another body part that resulted in Sir Bentley’s demise. He was shot “in flagranto” by a jealous husband… with excellent aim, I might add.

THYME: How about that one there? The one who looks like he was constipated from birth.

MORTIMER: That’s Sir Headley Wadsworth Featherengill Baskerville, Sir Charles’ father.

THYME: Shot in the flagranto?

BARRYMORE: Throat ripped out.

FISH: My diagnosis is complete, Mr. Thyme.

THYME: Great… What can you tell me?

FISH: After carefully examining Sir Charles, I believe I can say without fear of contradiction that…

THYME: Yeah, Doc. What is it?

FISH: Sir Charles is dead.

THYME: We know that Doc. We need to know how.

FISH: Look closely at Sir Charles’s body.

THYME: Do I have too?

FISH: Tell me what you see?

THYME: A dead guy. A very old, very dead guy.

FISH: Do you see any wounds?

THYME: No… Not one. What does that mean?

FISH: It means that at the very moment Sir Charles died, he was in the pink of health

THYME: I’m sure he’d find that very reassuring… if he wasn’t so dead. What killed him?

FISH: I’m afraid… it was…

THYME: Yeah, doc? It was…

FISH: Fear.

THYME: Fear?

FISH: I’m afraid so.

THYME: What makes you think fear killed Sir Charles?

FISH: Look at his face. That horrible, disfigured expression frozen in place for all eternity.

THYME: So what you’re saying is… Sir Charles wasn’t always that ugly.

FISH: That’s correct.

THYME: Then, maybe you’re right Doc. Maybe you’re both right.

WELLINGTON: I beg your pardon, sir.

THYME: Sir Charles wrote me that he was afraid the curse of the Baskervilles was catching up with him. Maybe he saw something on the moor. Something so horrible, it scared him to death. When I found his body it was surrounded by the prints of a dog. A big dog.… A very big dog. If I’m right, that pooch had to be the size of a Buick.

(Thyme walks downstage. The lights fade on the Manor. Wellington and Fish exit)

THYME: (to audience) But that still left me with three questions. Why did Sir Charles go out on the moor at midnight? Why didn’t the creature rip his throat out? And what would it be like to share one night of passion with the delectable Miss Cadbury followed by unending days of guilt and remorse? I couldn’t deduce the answer to the second question until I deduced the answer to the first question. As for Miss Cadbury, I’d deduce her later.

(Thyme crosses to the Hotel Room. Prudence enters)

PRUDENCE: I don’t know what came over me, Thyme. I should never have agreed to this seedy assignation in this seedy room in this seedy hotel. It’s all so… seedy.

THYME: (to audience) We hadn’t even started and the dame was already full of recriminations. She was everything I expected and more.

PRUDENCE: What was I thinking? I must be mad.

THYME: Remember, this was your idea, candy cakes.

PRUDENCE: But this is the last time. You must agree never to tempt me again with your broad masculine shoulders, your strong masculine hands or your powerful male masculine masculinity.

THYME: I’ll do what I can, cumquat cheeks, but I ain’t makin’ no promises.

PRUDENCE: Oh Thyme. What will I do? What will I do?

THYME: You’ll suffer like every other dame I’ve ever known.

(Thyme takes Prudence in his arms.)

(BLACKOUT)

THYME’S VOICE: Two minutes later Prudence was on a trip to the moon on gossamer wings and I was slipping out the back door and into a dark alley. Before I knew what hit me… (SOUND OF THYME BEING HIT OVER THE BACK OF THE HEAD)… it hit me. I went down like a sack of potatoes. It felt like Barry Bonds was goin’ for the home run record on the back of my head. Fortunately for me, Barry was off the juice and could only foul me off into the left field bleachers.

(LIGHTS BACK UP ON DOCTOR FISH’S OFFICE)

(Thyme is lying on a table, out cold. Fish is trying to revive him)

FISH: Mr. Thyme… Mr. Thyme.

THYME: (coming to) What happened?

FISH: It seems someone mistook your head for a cricket ball, sir. Bit of a sticky wicket, that.

THYME: Ya think so?

FISH: You could have been killed.

THYME: Not a chance. (Thyme sits up) I’m a lot more thick headed than people think.

FISH: This was no accident. Do you have any idea why someone would want to bash your head in?

THYME: My guess is that someone was sending me a message to take the next train outta town.

WELLINGTON: How can you be sure?

THYME: He left this note in my pocket. (removes note)

FISH: (reading) Take the next train out of town. Your assumption seems to be correct, Mr. Thyme.

(The play continues)