"OPPOSITES ATTRACT"
by Bruce Kane
A One Act Comedy

Within every disastrous relationship, the seeds of destruction are planted long before the people even meet.

"Opposites Attract" consists of 11 vignettes including but not limited to a passionate, yet disastrous relationship between two emotional masochists; an open sexual partnership that almost goes under when one of the partner admits he hasn't been cheating; to a grass is always greener threesome in which two women pine for what the other has, only to get it.

 

Copyright: Bruce Kane Productions 2009
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All plays owned by Bruce Kane Productions are protected by copyright law and may not be performed without written permission from Bruce Kane Productions. To obtain permission go to www.kaneprod.com/contact.htm

This excerpt is provided as an example of the complete play and may not be performed or presented publically.

"OPPOSITES ATTRACT"
by Bruce Kane
A One Act Comedy

BEDFELLOWS

Time: The Present

(BETTY, a Valley housewife enters and addresses the audience.)

BETTY: Hi. My name is Betty Corbin. I'm thirty eight years old. I'm trying to lose eight pounds.

(She sits on a end stool.)

(DAVE enters)

DAVE: (To audience) I'm Dave Corbin. I'm thirty nine. Today my top spin forehand was devastating... I won six-three... Six-four.

(He sits on the center stool.)

(SHELLEY, a sexy young woman enters)

SHELLEY: (To Audience) My name is Michelle. But everyone calls me Shelley. I'll be twenty eight next month. I still wear a size six.

(She sits on the third stool.)

BETTY: I have a lovely home in the Valley. Five bedrooms, three and a half baths.

DAVE: My office is in Century City.

SHELLEY: I own a condo in what the real estate ladies like to refer to as Beverly Hills adjacent.

BETTY: I'm a housewife.

DAVE: I'm an attorney.

SHELLEY: I run my own interior design firm.

BETTY: I have two kids and a cat named Socks. He was given to us by my Uncle Ned. He's a Democrat. Uncle Ned that is. Millie is a cheshire.

SHELLEY: I've never been married.

DAVE: I drive an 89 BMW. It's my pride and joy.

BETTY: I've been married to the same man for fifteen years.

SHELLEY: I've been sleeping with the same man for eight months.

DAVE: I play tennis twice a month with Barbra Streisand's lawyer.

BETTY: My husband is a wonderful man. He takes very good care of me and the kids.

DAVE: They deserve it.

SHELLEY: My lover and I see each other whenever we can.

DAVE: Neither of us likes to be crowded.

BETTY: It's not the same as it was when Dave and I first got married. Then, he'd call me up in the middle of the day... right out of the blue... and tell me to wait for him in bed. I loved sex in the afternoon.

DAVE: I was in law school then. There was time.

BETTY: He doesn't come home in the afternoon anymore.

DAVE: Hell, it's forty five minutes from the office to the house alone. And that's if there's no traffic on the freeway.

SHELLEY: I sometimes think the only attraction I hold for Dave is the proximity of my apartment to his office. He can be in and out before anyone at the firm misses him.

DAVE: It goes much deeper than that. I love being with Shelley. She's bright... beautiful... independent... Never demanding... Last week I took her to Las Vegas with me for a lawyer's convention. Just the two of us for the whole week. It was great. We had a wonderful time.

SHELLEY: He did take me to Las Vegas for a week. He said we'd have all kinds of time to be alone. We were alone alright. He didn't want any of his pals to see us together.

BETTY: Dave works very hard. And we try to get away when we can. He really wanted me to go with him to Las Vegas last week. He had this lawyer's convention. He said we could turn the whole thing into a second honeymoon and it would all be tax deductible. I was looking forward to it... Then the kids got the flu and Dave had to go by himself.

DAVE: It would have been a second honeymoon. But just because Betty couldn't make it, I saw no reason why I should go alone.

SHELLEY: I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining. Dave and I have a very good relationship. We like each other. The sex is good and I'm not limited to just one man.

DAVE: I didn't know that... About not being limited.

BETTY: Don't think I'm not grateful for my life. It's hectic and we don't get as much time away from the kids as we'd like, but it's a good life.

SHELLEY: I have my independence.

BETTY: I have security.

SHELLEY: I have a great job.

BETTY: I have a wonderful home.

SHELLEY: I drive a red convertible.

BETTY: We paid off the station wagon last month.

SHELLEY: My apartment has a built in sauna.

BETTY: We've got our own pool.

SHELLEY: Dave says I'm the fulfillment of every erotic fantasy he's every had and he dressed me in garters, black seamed stockings and stiletto heels to prove it.

DAVE: A guy's gotta have some fantasy fulfillment.

SHELLEY: I don't mind.... Really.

BETTY: Dave never fails to compliment me on my cooking. He says eating my lasagna is the closest thing to sex he's ever encountered.

DAVE: I'm not ashamed to admit it... I've got it all... A successful law practice... A beautiful home... Two terrific kids... A wife who never complains... And a girlfriend with legs like a Rockette... And an 89 BMW.

SHELLEY: Who would have ever believed it? Here I am at age twenty eight with everything I ever wanted... And I don't know where the hell I'm going.

BETTY: I'm right where I belong... Why do I feel like I haven't been anywhere?

DAVE: I couldn't be happier.

SHELLEY: The business, the bills, the clients, the suppliers, the phone... What does it all mean?

BETTY: The kids, the house, the car pool, the gardener, the PTA. My life isn't my own.

SHELLEY: I want a little security... Is that too much to ask?

BETTY: I want to be independent... Have a life of my own.

SHELLEY: I'm lonely.

BETTY: I'm bored.

SHELLEY: I want a home.

BETTY: : I want adventure.

SHELLEY: I want children.

BETTY: I want freedom.

SHELLEY: I want to be loved.

BETTY: I want to thrill to the touch of new hands on my body.

SHELLEY: I want to wake up with the same man every morning.

BETTY: I want to drive a red convertible.

SHELLEY: I want a Volvo.

BETTY: I want to be some man's wet dream come to life.

DAVE: I want a serve like Pete Sampras.

SHELLEY: (turns to Dave) I want to get married.

BETTY: (turns to Dave) I want a divorce.

(There's more to "Bedfellows" which is followed by...)

LOIS & MASON

(Lois, a well dressed woman sits with a love smitten man)

LOIS: Of course, I love you Mason. You're kind and gentle. You're steady... Reliable... Dependable... I know a life with you would be steady.... reliable... dependable.

MASON: I'd always look after you, Lois. You know that.

LOIS: You'd never give me reason to worry, would you?

MASON: I'd see to it that you never had a trouble in the world.

LOIS: I know that you're not the kind of man who'd ever cheat on me.

MASON: You have my solemn word.

LOIS: Robert was always leaving me alone.

MASON: I'd be with you night and day.

LOIS: Robert would be gone for days without telling where he was going.

MASON: I'd report to you hourly. You'd know where I was night and day.

LOIS: I never who he was with. Although I eventually learned about... the women.

MASON: You're the only woman I need, Lois.

LOIS: That's when he started sending me flowers... Every time he strayed he'd send me flowers... Endless bouquets of flowers. Peace offerings. (The following list is spoken with rising emotions) Mums, roses, carnations, lilies, birds of paradise, begonias, asters, impatiens, pansies... He filled every room in the house with them.

MASON: Appalling.

LOIS: (orgasmic) The scent was intoxicating.

(Lois returns often)

"THE MASOCHISM TANGO"

(Ted enters and looks around. He sees Barbara sitting alone at the bar. He moves to her for a closer look. He circles her for a few moments, then moves in.)

TED: I love you.

BARBARA: What?

TED: I love you.

BARBARA: Are you talking to me?

TED: Yes... I love you.

BARBARA: You don't even know me.

TED: That's why I love you.

BARBARA: If you'll excuse me.

TED: I've been looking for you all my life.

BARBARA: I've heard that line before.

TED: I mean it. You're perfect. Your nose is perfect. You hair is perfect. Your lips are perfect. Your legs are perfect. And... Your breasts are perfect.

BARBARA: I'm going to have another drink.

TED:I need you.

BARBARA: I have no need to be needed.

TED: Perfect. I need a woman who has no need to be needed.

BARBARA: Well I don't need a man who needs a woman who has no need to be needed.

TED: I want you.

BARBARA: I'm unobtainable.

TED: That's why I want you.

BARBARA: I beg your pardon.

TED: I only want women I can't have. They never disappoint me.

BARBARA: That must make for long lasting relationships.

TED: Sarcasm in a woman turns me on.

BARBARA: We'd never get along.

TED: Is there someone else?

BARBARA: No.

TED: Are you emotionally involved?

BARBARA: I never get emotionally involved.

TED: Marry me.

BARBARA: I could never marry a man who actually wanted me.

TED: Of course.

BARBARA: A man who wanted me would also need me.

TED: I need you.

BARBARA: I know. That's why you can't have me.

TED: Have you ever been in love?

BARBARA: Hundreds of times.

TED: What happened?

BARBARA: They didn't know I was alive. It was wonderful. Have you ever been married?

TED: No. Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn't return my calls. If I told you I didn't need you, didn't want you and didn't love you, what would you do?

BARBARA: Throw myself at your knees.

TED: I don't need you, I don't want you and I don't love you.

BARBARA: If only I could believe that.

TED: You hold no appeal for me at all.

BARBARA: Please stop.

TED: There are thousands of other women I'd rather be with. Millions...

BARBARA: I won't listen to your honeyed words.

TED: Kiss off, baby.

(She throws herself at his knees)

BARBARA: I'm yours.

(He pulls her to her feet. They kiss. During the kiss his eyes wander.)

TED: Do you know that woman over there?

BARBARA: Which woman?

TED: The blonde with the perfect nose, perfect hair, perfect legs and perfect breasts.

BARBARA: Forget it. She has a husband and a lover.

TED: I want her.

BARBARA: You can't have her.

TED:I know.

(He starts to leave)

BARBARA: I thought it was me you didn't want.

TED: I've lost interest.

BARBARA: You can't. I need you.

TED: You're stifling my growth as a person.

BARBARA: She won't give you the time of day.

TED: Thrilling, isn't it?

BARBARA: But I want you.

TED: My heart belongs to another.

BARBARA: How can you walk out on me like this? After all we meant to each other. Can you forget the way I ignored you? Resisted you? Treated you like dirt?

TED: It was great while it lasted, baby, but it's over.

BARBARA: Nobody kept you at arm's length like I did.

TED: Until she came along.

BARBARA: You're breaking my heart.

TED: It's the least I can do.

BARBARA: What does she have that I don't have?

TED: She's unobtainable.

BARBARA: Well, then... Go after her. See if I care.

(He leaves. Barbara sits alone. After a beat or two, Ted returns

TED: Hi baby.

BARBARA: Oh, you're back.

TED: She told me to get lost. I nearly came in my pants.

BARBARA: I know I'm the only one for you.

TED: I'll never forget the way she looked right through me like I was a windshield.

BARBARA: You don't throw away what we had so quickly.

TED: Baby, I'm back.

BARBARA: Get lost.

TED: What?

BARBARA: I said, get lost.

TED: Nice try.

BARBARA: I mean it.

TED: I get it. Turnabout is fair play.

BARBARA: Hit the bricks.

TED: You're turning me on.

BARBARA: Take off.

TED: But, I love you.

BARBARA: Tough.

TED: I need you.

BARBARA: (smiling) I know.

TED: I want you.

BARBARA: Sorry, pal. You don't satisfy my needs.

(There's more... much more to this vignette and others)

 

 

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