An excerpt from

“THE CASE OF THE PRINCE FORMERLY KNOWN AS HAMLET”
A Justin Thyme Mystery
By Bruce Kane

Copyright: Bruce Kane Productions 2007
All Rights Reserved
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“THE CASE OF THE PRINCE FORMERLY KNOWN AS HAMLET”
A Justin Thyme Mystery
By Bruce Kane

CHARACTERS:

Justin Thyme – Bogart like, hard boiled detective. Tough, sardonic, world weary.
Hamlet –Prince of Denmark Self absorbed and just a little dense
Ophelia – Sexy, femme fatale
King Hamlet – Dying king
Gertrude- Hamlet’s randy mother
Claudius – The evil new king
Polonius – Ophelia’s aphorism spouting father
Laertes – Ophelia’s vengeful brother
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern - Hamlet’s tweedle dee and tweedle dum college chums
Gunsel - Claudius’s strong arm man
Announcer – Boxing ring announcer.
Player King - Actor in Hamlet’s play
Various citizens of Elsinore

SETTING: Elsinore Castle – A few walls, pillars and arches suggest the location.

LIGHTS UP:

Justin Thyme stands downstage dressed in a trench coat and fedora. A bluesy saxophone plays in the distance or right on stage next to Thyme. Depends on how good your saxophone player is.

THYME: (to audience) It ended like most of my cases …with everybody dead. The king was dead. The queen was dead. The prince was almost dead.

Thyme walks to center stage and kneels over the dying Prince Hamlet. The saxophone fades.

HAMLET: O, I die, good friend.
The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit:
I cannot live to hear the news from England;
But I do prophesy the election lights
On Fortinbras: he has my dying voice;
So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,
Which have solicited. The rest is silence.

THYME: Unfortunately the rest wasn’t silence. For a guy who was checking out, Prince Hamlet had a lot to say.

HAMLET: O good friend, what a wounded name,
Things standing thus unknown, shall live behind me!
If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart
Absent thee from felicity awhile,
And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain,
To tell my story.

THYME: It doesn't take much to see that the problems of one Danish prince don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. But what the heck. Yeah. I’ll tell your story. I owe you that much.

Thyme rises and walks downstage.

THYME: It all began with a summons from the King of Denmark . He wouldn’t say what the problem was, but he sounded worried… Very worried. So, I brushed up on my Danish, packed my fedora and saxophone accompaniment and headed for Elsinore. Me? I’m Justin Thyme. I work for the F.B.I. The Fictional Bureau of Investigation. That’s right, I’m a fictional detective. When I finally reached the castle, I was told I could find the king resting in the garden. The king was in the garden alright. But he wasn’t resting.

Thyme crosses to find King Hamlet close to death.

KING HAMLET: (in a choking voice) Murder most foul.

THYME: Yeah. It usually is.

KING HAMLET: In my ear.

THYME: He was fading fast. I leaned in closer. (speaks louder and slower) Yeah, it usually is.

KING HAMLET: You don’t have to shout. I’m dying, not deaf.

THYME: You said in your ear.

KING HAMLET: Poison in my ear.

THYME: That’d do it.

KING HAMLET: I must be avenged.

THYME: Sorry, king… I’m a shamus… A gumshoe… A dick…

KING HAMLET: Speaketh Elizabethan English, man.

THYME: I’m a cop. Vengeance isn’t part of the job description

KING HAMLET: My son.

THYME: Your son murdered you?

KING HAMLET: No. No… My son didn’t murder me. He must avenge me. Help him Thyme… Help Hamlet avenge me. Promise me, Thyme… Promise me.

THYME: Yeah… Sure… I’ll get the guy who murdered you. Just one question.

KING HAMLET: Yes?

THYME: Who murdered you?

KING HAMLET: It was… It was… (King Hamlet snorts loudly and dies)

THYME: How do you spell that? He didn’t answer me. He was dead and one thing you learn in the detective game is that dead men give lousy answers.

Thyme rises and walks downstage.

THYME: I made a promise and now I was stuck with it. The code of the fictional detective demanded that I help the king’s son avenge his death. If I ever find the guy who wrote that code, him and me are gonna have a long talk with a bright light and a rubber hose. So now I had to find out who whacked the old man. That’s the way it works. . First you find the killer, then you avenge. You could do it the other way around but then you’d have to kill everybody. My first step was to find Hamlet.

Again we hear the sound of a bluesy, sexy saxophone as Ophelia enters.

OPHELIA: Well, hello tall, dark and out of place.

THYME: (to audience) She was wearing a diaphanous gown that was dropping more hints than the host of a bad game show. She told me her name was Ophelia.

OPHELIA: My name’s Ophelia.

THYME: But that her friends called her… Feelya

OPHELIA: But my friends call me … Feelya.

THYME: She guessed that my name was Thyme. That I was the fictional detective.

OPHELIA: You must be Thyme… The fictional detective.

THYME: She said she knew from…

OPHELIA: Could you please stop doing that.

THYME: Sorry, button nose… Force of habit.

OPHELIA: My father warned me about men like you. He said you were T… R…O…U…B…L…E.

THYME: Looks and brains. Dames like this always spelled trouble. You know Prince Hamlet?

OPHELIA: Intimately

THYME: Something about the way she said “intimately” led me to believe she knew the Prince… “intimately.” Know where I can find him?

OPHELIA: Through that door, down the corridor, past the turret, through the main ballroom, turn right at the armory, left at the keep, right at the chapel, right again at the throne room, down the next corridor and around the second tower. It’ll be the third door on your right.

THYME: Thanks, dollface.

OPHELIA: If you ever need more directions, just whistle. You know how to whistle don’t you, Thyme?

THYME: Oh sure… (He whistles)

OPHELIA: Thanks for stepping on my best line. (she exits)

THYME: I watched her walk away on legs that started where legs usually start, around floor level and ended where you don’t expect them to end… just below her ears. I followed her directions to Prince Hamlet’s quarters.

Thyme exits. We hear the sounds of footsteps, doors opening, doors closing, more footsteps, more doors opening, more doors closing, etc., etc. He finally returns from the opposite direction to find Prince Hamlet addressing a troupe of traveling players.

THYME: I arrived early the next morning. When I found the prince he was talking to the strangest bunch of men I’d ever seen. Some were dressed as fools….

HAMLET: Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue. But if you mouth it, as many of our players do, I had as lief the town crier spoke my lines.

THYME: All of them were wearing make-up.

HAMLET: Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus, by use all gently, for in the very torrent, tempest, and as I may say, whirlwind of your passion, you must acquire and beget a temperance that may give it smoothness.

THYME: And some were even wearing women’s clothing. This could only mean one thing… They were actors.

HAMLET: It offends me to the soul to hear a robustious periwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the…

THYME: Prince Hamlet.

HAMLET: Not now, man… Can’t you see I’m busy… “directing?”

THYME: Your father sent me. The name’s Thyme… I’m a fictional detective.

HAMLET: How is dear old popsy?

THYME: Dear old popsy is dear old deadsy?.

HAMLET: Deadsy?

THYME: As a door nail.

HAMLET: Oh poppycock…There must be some mistake.

THYME: No mistake, prince. He’s dead. Murdered most foul.

(The play continues)