"CAESAR & CLEO"

By Bruce Kane

Copyright:Bruce Kane 2006
All Rights Reserved
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"Caesar & Cleo" is protected by copyright law and may not be performed without written permission from Bruce Kane Productions.

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IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENTS All producers of "Caesar & Cleo" must give credit to Bruce Kane as sole Author of the Play in all programs distributed in connection with performance of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears for any purposes of advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or production thereof, including posters, souvenir books, flyers, books and playbills.
Bruce Kane must also appear immediately following the title of the Play and must appear in size of type not less then fifty percent of the size of type used for the title.

The Author’s name must be equal to or larger than the Director's, but never smaller than that of the Director. The above billing must appear as follows: "Caesar & Cleo" by Bruce Kane.

WARNING: No one shall make any changes to this play for the purpose of production. Publication of these plays does not imply its availability for production.

PRODUCTION NOTES: This script can be performed as a full play complete with costumes and sets. It also offers theatre groups the opportunity to present a modern comedy script in old time radio format with actors, dressed in plain clothes, standing at microphones, working from hand held scripts. Music cues and sound effects can be provided live on stage. While limiting costs, this kind of presentation offers audiences the rare chance to return to the golden days of radio see a production as it once was. An audio version of “Caesar & Cleo” is available on CD and MP3 download from the One Act Players at http://www.oneact.org

COLITUS: Mid thirties… Slave and confidante of Julius Caesar.
JULIUS CAESAR: Early fifties… Dictator of Rome
CLEOPATRA: Early twenties… Ambitious, beautiful and incredibly well built.
CALPURNIA: Caesar’s wife… Mid forties… Formidable.
MARC ANTHONY: Roman general… As dim as he is handsome.
BRUTUS: The noblest Roman of them all… or so he says.
CASSIUS: Tall, thin and conspiratorial.
SOOTHSAYER: Crazy old man

SCENE 1: ROME
SFX: FAR OFF CROWD NOISES THEN TRUMPETS
BRUTUS: Look, Cassius… Caesar has returned to Rome. The mob treats him like a god.
CASSIUS: Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world
Like a Colossus, and we petty men
Walk under his huge legs and peep about
To find ourselves dishonourable graves.
Age, thou art shamed!
Rome, thou hast lost the breed of noble bloods!
BRUTUS: Cassius… Why can’t you talk like everybody else?
CASSIUS: All I said, Brutus, was that since Caesar has become dictator, he has destroyed our beloved republic. I simply want things to return to the way they once were.
BRUTUS: Yes… When we ran things.
CASSIUS: There is a way.
BRUTUS: What are you suggesting, Cassius?
CASSIUS: That you kill Caesar.
BRUTUS: Me? Why don’t you kill him?
CASSIUS: I would, but the mob thinks of me as just another lazy aristocrat afraid that he’ll have to get off his ass and actually go to work. Fearful that he’ll be exposed for the fraud that he is. Jealous of Caesar’s power.
BRUTUS: Chalk one up for the mob.
CASSIUS: But, you… You’re Brutus… You’re the noblest Roman of them all. You kill Caesar and it’s a blow for truth, justice and the Roman way.
BRUTUS: The mob loves Caesar. I kill him and they’ll tear me limb from limb.
CASSIUS: A small price to pay for liberty, wouldn’t you say?
BRUTUS: Quiet… Caesar approaches.
CASSIUS: Oh, and he’s got that snooty, tea-drinking slave he brought back from Britannia with him.
SFX: CROWD FADES UP AS WE MOVE TO CAESAR
CROWD: Huzzah… Huzzah.
CAESAR: It’s good to be home among the cheering rabble, is it not Colitus?
COLITUS: It is, Excellency.
CAESAR: As long they don’t get too close.
COLITUS: Of course.
CAESAR: I hear that as gratitude for the countries I’ve sacked, the kings I’ve crushed, the people I’ve enslaved and the general death and misery I’ve spread… there’s talk of making me a god.
COLITUS: That’s true, oh mighty Caesar. Some talk of making Caesar a god. Some talk of making Caesar immortal. And some talk of making Caesar immortal as soon as possible.
CAESAR: I always wanted to be a god.
COLITUS: Excellency, might I have a word?
CAESAR: Not while I’m being adored, Colitus.
COLITUS: It’s important.
CAESAR: Make it quick.
COLITUS: Caesar once said that as soon as Caesar had conquered the known world, Caesar would grant me my freedom.
CAESAR: Caesar said that?
COLITUS: Colitus wrote it down. Here it is. “As soon I conquer the world I will give Colitus his freedom.”
CAESAR: What is this obsession you have with freedom, Colitus?
COLITUS: I’ve never been free, Caesar.
CAESAR: And I rule the most powerful empire the world has ever known yet can one say that I am truly free?
COLITUS: Yes.
VOICES FADE IN AS B&C CROSS TO CAESAR
BRUTUS: Welcome back to Rome, Noble Caesar.
CAESAR: Ah, noble Brutus.
CASSIUS: Noble Caesar.
CAESAR: Noble Cassius.
BRUTUS: And how was Egypt, Caesar?
CAESAR: Someday you must make the trip, Brutus. If only to see the Pyramids. Magnificent those pyramids.
CASSIUS: Yes, we heard you met Cleopatra.
CAESAR: What can I say? I am the mighty Caesar.
BRUTUS: Especially between the sheets, eh?
CAESAR: Where else does it matter?
ALL: (laughing it up like a couple frat boys) Hey, hey, hey -- heh heh, heh
CAESAR: Ah, it is good to be home. Perhaps the two of you will do me the honor of having lunch with me. You look particularly lean and hungry, Cassius.
CASSIUS: I would be honored noble Caesar, but, alas, I’ve already eaten.
CAESAR: Et too, Brute?
BRUTUS: I’m afraid so, Caesar. Perhaps another time.
CAESAR: Yes, another time. Until then, noble Senators.
B&C: Until then, great/mighty Caesar.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS BRUTUS & CASSIUS EXIT
CAESAR: They love me… The Roman Senate loves me.
COLITUS: If you say so, Excellency.
CAESAR: Do I detect a note of skepticism, Colitus?
COLITUS: If Caesar believes the Senate loves Caesar, then the Senate must love Caesar.
CAESAR: Tell me the truth, Colitus. I order you.
COLITUS: The Senate hates you Caesar.
CAESAR: The Senate hates Caesar? Why would you say such a thing?
COLITUS: Because Caesar ordered me to.
CAESAR: Oh … But, what would make you come to such an absurd conclusion? (scoffing) The Senate hates Caesar…
COLITUS: Well Caesar did destroy the Republic.
CAESAR: Only to save it.
COLITUS: And took away citizens’ right to vote.
CAESAR: Which only gave them more time to fornicate. Remember, Colitus, a fornicating citizen is a happy citizen.
COLITUS: But Caesar’s voice is now the only one that counts in all of Rome.
CAESAR: That’s because I’m the only one who’s a god.
COLITUS: Unofficially, oh mighty Caesar.
CAESAR: But I’m a shoo-in to win. Any Senator who votes against me will lose his fortune, his home and all he holds dear.
COLITUS: And why is that, Caesar?
CAESAR: Because I will take it from them. That's what gods do: They giveth and then they taketh away. What’s next on my schedule, Colitus?

(PLAY CONTINUES)